Personal Stuff
by spottedhorse
Summary: Catherine once asked Gil, "What personal stuff?" It was a question he grappled with for years. Has he finally found the answer...and the courage to do something about it?


This one is set in my PureJoy AU. I started it before the latest episode previews came out so it deviates from what we are expecting to happen. I hope you enjoy neverless.

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"What personal stuff?" Catherine's question rang in his head repeatedly. If only she knew. He lived alone in his hermetically sealed condo, no…townhouse because the only woman he'd had any interest in for years was unavailable; first because she was married and then because he worked with her. But her words hurt. He'd admitted to her that he was deficient in many ways. From his view, the biggest deficiency was his inability to find a way around the things keeping him from her. So he sat in his living room, his hermetically sealed room, her words playing over and over in his mind.

He replayed the feel of her in his grasp as he helped her down from the boat. God, he'd wanted to pull her close to him instead of letting her go when she landed on the floor. He wanted to put his arms around her, feel her warmth…kiss her. He sat, wondering for the millionth time since they'd first met what it would be like to kiss her. Sometimes her lips were so inviting that he struggled to concentrate, fighting the urge to taste her. And sitting alone on his couch, he ached for her.

They'd worked together for several years, at first with him as her mentor. But that time was quickly ending. She was his equal in many ways, using her own skills and talents, her own form of intelligence to solve cases. She'd beat him to the boat. While he'd been a little surprised, he'd also felt pride that she'd done that. Sanders tried to make it out as a competition thing, and maybe from Catherine's point of view it was; but for him, it was pride in a protégé…no, more than that, pride in someone he loved. Yes, he had to admit it; he was in love with Catherine.

He just didn't know what to do about it.

Sara Sidle caught his eye at a forensics seminar a couple of years ago. She was interesting and he'd felt an attraction. And now she was here and he still felt the attraction. But she didn't make him ache as Catherine did. And her words couldn't hurt him, the way Catherine could.

He kicked off his shoes and stretched out on his couch, wondering once again where this would lead. What could he do about his feelings for a certain strawberry blonde?

_He was nervous as he pulled into her driveway but determined. It wasn't long before his knock on her door was answered. She stood there with questioning eyes, her hair glistening in the sunlight, looking …what? Desirable? God he wanted her. "Can I come in," he asked._

_She stepped back, letting him enter and then he followed her to the living room. "Catherine, I…" he began._

"_Look, if you're here to give me a sermon about telling the husband about his wife's affair…I get it, okay?" She turned towards him as she spoke, anger and remorse flashing through those beautiful eyes of hers. _

_He was immediately sorry…sorry for coming down so hard on her, sorry he hadn't been more supportive thorough the whole thing with Eddie, sorry he'd never kissed her… So he stepped closer. "No, I…I know you get it. That's not why I came over."_

"_Then what?" She looked confused._

"_Just this," he said as he moved in, his lips finding hers, merging, and blending. He felt her arms around his neck as she responded to him, their lips opening, offering more. Tentatively he ran his tongue just inside, tasting her sweetness. Her fingers were teasing him unmercifully behind his ear, making him want her more. His hands had worked themselves behind her, settling into the small of her back, caressing. She leaned into him, their bodies almost becoming one until he thought he'd burst open. She was like a heady wine…no, more like a stiff whiskey; too much for him. His head was spinning and his knees were weakening. She pulled away just as he thought he might pass out._

_He took a shaky, deep breath and opened his eyes to gaze into hers. They were twinkling. "So what was that?" she asked him._

"_I …that was…" His mind groped for words. "That's why I live alone in my hermetically sealed townhouse…no relationships…"_

"_You can kiss like that and you are alone?"_

"_Kiss like what?" he asked, befuddled. _

"_God, Gil…a kiss like that can melt ice."_

"_Oh," he replied. "So…you like the way I kiss?" She looked at him, puzzled. "What's this all about?"_

_He took a deep breath. "I don't have any relationships because… there's only one I'm interested in…with you."_

_She smiled at him coquettishly. "Really…you want a relationship with me?"_

"_Yes, I do…" he answered. "So…what do you think? Do I have a chance?"_

_She opened her mouth to answer when an annoying ring sounded._

The phone startled him awake. Reaching for it, he answered. "Grissom."

He listened as the voice droned about a 419 and swing being tapped out. They needed him. "Okay, I'll be there in a few…" He closed his phone, went to his closet and changed shirts, and then he picked up his keys to head out. His dreams about Catherine would have to wait…

_Several weeks later…_

"How was your dinner?" she asked him from the doorway to his office.

"It was…nice; that is until my phone rang. Then she pulled a Houdini. She's probably in Florida by now."

"Too bad. Looked like you got all weak kneed whenever she was around; it was fun to watch.

Gil gave her "the look," the one that said he didn't know what she was talking about even thought they both knew he did. She smiled innocently and moved in to sit in a chair across from his desk. "Really Gil, you should go out more…"

He felt his heart clinch as she spoke but he reined in his emotions and looked across at her blandly. "I don't seem to do well with dating; the job always seems to get in the way. My dinner with Terri is the most recent evidence of that."

"I know, but you should still try. Eventually you'll meet someone who understands and is willing to share you with your job…someone really special."

He wanted to tell her that he'd met someone special already but the knot in his throat held him back so he just looked at her, feeling confused. What if he told her, managed to get the words out? Then what? How would she react? No, better to keep it to himself, he mused. Otherwise, he might lose her altogether. But from somewhere inside, a tiny impulse took hold and before he could contain the words, they slipped out. "What if I told you that I've already met someone special?" He smirked.

She smiled and turned her head just a little, tilting it as she studied him. "You have? Who is she? Have you told her how you feel?"

Careful, he told himself. Then he smiled at her mysteriously. "No, I haven't told her. I…she might not want …the right signals just aren't there…"

"Signals? Since when do you read signals off of women?"

"I can read them…sometimes. I think I had it right with Terri, except the phone rang."

She looked exasperated with him. "Gil, every woman in this lab has sent you 'signals' and you haven't seemed to pick up on any of them. Some have all but hit you over the head with their signals."

"I got them…well, most of them anyway…but I wasn't interested and I'm not very good at politely holding them off, so I just ignore them…most of them anyway."

"Not good at holding them off? That's all you do, Gil….hold people at arms length."

"I know, I'm not good with people." His mind was reeling….had she sent signals and he'd missed them?

"Sometimes you are," she said confidently. "Sometimes you just don't want to be…"

His head twitched in agreement. His mind was still contemplating the possibility that she had sent signals and he'd missed them.

Catherine was watching in fascination. Some big question was tumbling in that brain of his and she wished he would out with it so she could understand what was going on. But he remained quiet. Then it struck her…"and no, Gil, I haven't sent any signals. I'm not that subtle."

His head bolted up and his eyes met hers. Did she know or was she just fishing? His stomach began to churn but he managed a bland expression. "No, you are not."

Their eyes remained locked for a moment and then he retreated, back into his shell. He glanced down at the folder in front of him and she took the hint. The conversation was over. "So, I'll go finish catching up on that report you need by the end of shift," she told him as she stood to leave.

"Thank you," he said as he glanced up at her once more before she walked out of the room. Then he dropped the folder back on the desk and sighed. Why was he being such a coward with her, he asked himself.

Time was passing, case after case was solved with a few going to the fish board, and Sara was circling. He felt it with every exchange. She wanted more from him and he had to tread carefully, although he was intrigued. But something else was happening too; his hearing was beginning to trouble him. And as his hearing became more of an issue, he found himself gravitating more towards Catherine. She was his anchor. He surprised himself at times with the little tidbits of information he revealed about himself, things he hadn't shared with anyone in years. And then there was the Goggle case…she killed a man to save him; had known where he would be and gone to help him. And yet, she was pushing him towards Sara. What was it she told him that day at his place…something about a family growing around him? Where did she fit in to this 'family?' He knew where he wished she fit, but did she see it that way? Not if she was pushing him towards Sara, she didn't…

She just about ripped him a new one on the Havilland case; accused him of sitting on the sidelines, but he could tell she was beginning to hone in on the truth. She was surprised when he told he that he was going for surgery, but there was a glimmering of understanding in those beautiful eyes as the final piece of the puzzle clicked into place for her. And she had shown up at the hospital…he was so nervous and the sight of her added to it…and calmed him at the same time. He had needed her and there she was…

More time passed, more opportunities came and went. He depended on Catherine more and more and yet, there was this friction growing between them. He didn't understand it and he wanted things the way they had been, but this thing between them kept chafing. He grew irritated at times and snapped at her, not because he was upset with her, but with himself. He was being a coward and he knew it. His dreams continued to taunt him, images of Catherine playing in his mind as he slept, images that would have required Confession if he were still a practicing Catholic, images that made him ache for her more.

Sara began to change. She was drinking; he knew. She'd had that boyfriend…Hank? But something happened, something bad, he knew. Catherine had told him about it…another woman maybe? And Nick's kidnapping had shaken them all. But Sara was in trouble. If he hadn't realized it before, the call from PD that she'd been picked up on a DUI was a big clue. He'd taken her home and tried not to say much about it. Her explosion at Catherine and suspension had jolted him into action. He'd gone to her place and talked with her. Finally, he began to understand. He kept a watchful eye on her after that, having her work more with him as time passed. She seemed to respond and was settling down again when they'd had that horrible case at the asylum. He didn't like that word but it was really the best way to describe that place. It conjured up pictures in his mind of the old stories about insane asylums of the nineteenth century.

That night everything changed. He'd gone to check on her next day. She had needed him and he hadn't been able to refuse. Their relationship grew and he decided he loved her, not the way he loved Catherine, but loved her differently…more protectively. There were some rough spots; at times, he felt crowded but they worked through it. And he began to understand what he had missed by being alone for so long. His relationship with Sara brought him happiness and he began to depend on it…on her. She filled some void in his being and she understood…she knew and accepted what his job meant to him. She even tolerated his departure for six weeks even though he knew she wondered why he needed to get away. He knew it had hurt her but she dealt with it.

Her kidnapping had unnerved him. He felt lost as they stood in the desert, looking for her. Of course, it had been Catherine beside him that had kept him sane, given him strength…

"Mr. Grissom….wake up Mr. Grissom…" the nurse coaxed him to consciousness. He had dozed off in the chaise again, his mind wandering back over the last ten years, over Catherine… "You have a guest, Mr. Grissom…" The nurse stepped away and there she was…Catherine.

"Gil?" He saw the concern in her eyes as she sat on the chaise, gently nudging his feet over, her hands lingering on his ankles.

He smiled. "I'm okay," he assured her. "Just dozed off…having some nice dreams…"

Her eyes began to twinkle. "Dreams?"

"Yeah…of personal stuff…" He watched to see if she would get it but she just stared back at him.

"Sara?"

"Some but not really…"

She nodded, still not comprehending but willing to let it lie. "So, how are you doing?"

"I'm…" he paused to think of how to phrase it, "…better."

Her smile warmed him, gave him courage. "He says my breakdown was a result of several things, not just Sara leaving…"

"You paid a lot of money for that?" she asked incredulously. "I could have told you that…"

"Yeah, but could you have told me the other reasons?"

"The job, of course…"

"And?" he watched as her wheels turned in her head.

"Losing Warrick," she said with sadness.

"And?"

She frowned. "And I don't know what else…what else is there?"

"It's not a 'what else', Cath. It is a 'who else."

"Who else…" she mused. "Heather?"

"No…"

She looked at him blankly. She didn't understand.

"Cath, when I leave this place, I'm not going back to CSI. I can't; not now anyway…maybe later…" His eyes looked away as he contemplated the loss of his life's meaning. "I need to find something that I'm afraid I lost along the way…"

"What's that, Gil?"

"Personal stuff…"

"Oh, so okay, I understand; you don't want to tell me."

"That's not it, Cath. You remember, years ago you chided me about not having a life? I was riding you about letting personal stuff get in the way of a case and I told you I didn't let personal stuff get in the way?"

"And I asked you 'what personal stuff?' I remember."

"Right." He swallowed and decided to jump in. "There was some personal stuff…or feelings rather. But I never acted on them. I was afraid."

"Feelings? For someone…there was someone special…" She reflected back over the years. "Sara of course, but you did act on your feelings eventually."

"But that wasn't… she wasn't…there was someone else, has always been someone else."

"Someone else? But when she was kidnapped, you said that she was the only woman you'd ever loved."

"I said Natalie saw it that way." He looked at Catherine who was looking at him knowingly. "Okay, I lied…"

"So there's been someone else? For how long?"

"About twenty years. I'm not sure exactly when I fell in love with her, but as time passed I realized how important she is. I even dream about her."

She looked at him, her brows furrowing. "I'm confused. If you loved this other woman so much, how did you end up with Sara? What about Sara?"

"Sara was…seemed…safer. There was no question about how she felt about me. And…she needed me. I needed to be needed, I think."

"And this other woman…"

"…Is very strong, very independent." He looked for signs that she understood, but she still was oblivious.

"She must be a very special person for you to love her so much," Catherine said, her tone almost bittersweet.

"She is. Very special…strong, independent, smart, caring, passionate, tenacious…and very beautiful."

"Wow," her eyebrows shot up. "Do I know her?"

He looked at her pointedly. "Yes, you do…"

Comprehension began to dawn. "Gil…"

Fear gripped him. "It's okay. You don't have to say anything. I know that…" Catherine's hand went to his arm, stopping him.

Her blue eyes looked at him with concern. He wanted to run away, hide; but he couldn't look away. And after so many years, so many missed opportunities, so many dreams he found the courage. Courage to say what he felt; courage to say, "Cath, I love you."

He watched as tears formed in her eyes. She looked as if she were about to say something but she just shook her head as she fought back the tears.

"Cath, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Just forget that I said anything."

"Forget? No, Gil. I want to be your personal stuff."

"You…you do?" He asked, genuinely surprised. "I never thought that you and I …that we could… that…"

She silenced him with a kiss, a long, meaningful kiss that she hoped revealed years of her own pent up feelings…desires. "Gil, for a smart guy you can be pretty dumb at times. Of course we can…and if you really meant everything you just said, we will."

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So what'd you think? Please review; I live for them. Yeah, pretty sad, I know.


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